


Defenseless

by Ally_Joanne



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Fake Character Death, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 19:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19400503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ally_Joanne/pseuds/Ally_Joanne
Summary: I shouldn't have done it. The thought shouldn't have even crossed my mind. I should've thought about what was going to happen, and how they'd feel about it. But in the moment, it seemed so peaceful. Until I heard his scream right before losing complete consciousness.Or I needed some Roman angst~Enjoy!!-Jo





	Defenseless

_ I shouldn't have done it. The thought shouldn't have even crossed my mind. I should've thought about what was going to happen, and how they'd feel about it. But in the moment, it seemed so peaceful. Until I heard his scream right before losing complete consciousness.  _

**Hours earlier...**

_ Silence. _ I'm surrounded by silence. No amount of noise can get through to me. I hear nothing, and yet, everything. Every, "I'm sorry," every " I'm here if you need to talk,". It's overwhelming, it feels like I'm drowning. Like we're all underwater but I'm the only one who can't breathe. I need air, and clarity, but all I get is water. I'm in hell. 

That explains it. The silent noise, and suffocation. It explains the scream caught in my throat, unable to call out for help. My surroundings begin to fade as I crawl into a corner, ready for the waves to suffocate me. Then a voice grabs on to me. 

"Roman," I recognize the voice almost immediately, "Roman can you hear me?" It's Virgil. I need you to listen to my voice, can you do that?"

I nodded. He was the only one who could pull me up, the only one trusted to.

" Roman, remember my breathing exercise? In 4 hold 7 out 8. And again," he said. I nodded and tried to follow along, but I couldn't. There wasn't enough air and I needed more. I began to hyperventilate, trying to get all the air because one breath wasn't enough. I couldn't do it, not without  _ him _ . 

He always helped me and Virge when our minds became too loud. He was our shield from the darkness of our insecurities and anxieties. And without him, we're defenseless. Virgil and I are alone now. Before he died, he took Virgil in, rescued him from those people who he had to call family. His  _ heart _ was big, he was kind to everyone, he did no wrong. 

But now, he's gone. 

"Roman, follow my breaths." 

He began breathing slowly, and I followed as best I could. My breathing finally evened out and I looked at my brother in the eyes. I could I see the tears and pain within them, but I couldn't see the sparkle, the one that reminds me of him. Despite not being related by blood, Patton and Virgil had very similar qualities, including their eyes. 

"Virgil-," I tried, my voice hoarse. He looked at me and smiled.

"I'll get you some water, why don't you go upstairs and lay down?" He got up and left to the kitchen. I stayed there for a while, just breathing, trying to regain all my senses completely. I got up shakily to my feet, reaching out to the wall to stabilize myself. 

Slowly, I climbed the stairs to my room. Upon opening the door I just stood there. It wasn't the same. Not without Patton's laugh filling the room. He was always in my room because of the working air conditioning. I couldn't stay in there so I walked to Virgil and his boyfriend's room just down the hall and lied down on the couch they had in there. 

Just closed my eyes, I heard Virgil knock on the door with the water. I opened it and let him in, I needed him here, he was all I had left of him and I didn't want to let him go yet. He led me to the bed and held me. The warm, human contact eased my nerves as we just laid there, comforting each other. 

I ended up falling asleep a few moments later. For a moment, my mind was peaceful, and I felt safe. 

Until I woke up.

I was met with an empty space where Virgil had been lying before I dozed off.. I curled up under the comforter. Of course he left. 

No one would want to stay with a schizophrenic piece of crap like me.

What good am I?

All I do is bring people down, or say something at the wrong time. I can't do anything right. 

I have no use. 

I should just  _ die _ . 

I perked up at the thought. No. I couldn't possibly do that. That's not fair, I have people I needed to be there for, like Virgil. 

_ But Virgil has Logan. Who do you have? No one. Because they don't care about you. _

My heart sank. I really didn't have anyone, especially now that Patton's gone. 

_ But maybe you could see him again. _

I sat up. 

Patton. Sweet, kind Patton. To see him again would be a dream come true. How I miss his laugh and the smell of cookies coming from the kitchen. And his smile, more contagious than a yawn. To think, that there's a chance to see him again. I smiled inwardly. 

Patton- no,  _ dad _ , I'll see you soon.

Climbing out of bed, I quietly made my way to Virgil's bathroom. He had some Tylenol that I could use. I opened the cupboard and lo and behold, there it was. My ticket to Patton. I quickly unscrewed the top and took out a handful. Just as I was about to pour them in my mouth I looked in the mirror in front of me. My eyes immediately went to the paleness of my skin, next to my eyes. 

_ Don't be afraid. You want this. _

I turned away from the mirror and swallowed them.

I felt nauseous. Then  _ pain. _ I doubled over the counter and cried out. The ocean was back, suffocating me once more. Instead of greedily taking air in, I couldn't get any at all. I needed air, but in that moment, I needed Patton more. My vision began to fade. That's when I heard him.

"Roman! Are you- whAT- LOGAN GET IN HERE!" 

Then darkness.

I woke up to a bright light behind my eyelids and groaned. My stomach was killing me and my throat burned. I took a moment to regain my senses. 

Touch: bed sheets, a plastic bracelet and something poking my arm. 

Taste: my mouth is dry, I can't taste anything. 

Smell: disinfectant. Sound: a beeping noise, like a monitor, hushed whispering and muffled sniffs. 

As for sight, I haven't opened my eyes, I couldn't. So I just laid there. Unable to move or speak.

I felt someone hold my hand.  _ Virgil. _ I could tell from the chill of his hands touching mine that it was him. It had to be him. If not, then who? 

"Kiddo, can you hear me?"  _ Patton. But how I- _ . I had to reach out to him. To make sure it was real. To make sure that it was just my illness that made me do this. That Patton wasn’t actually dead. That I just forgot to take my medicine in the morning. That the only person in the world who would actually care for me is here and I'm not alone. 

I willed my hand to move, even a finger, just to let him know that I'm here. He gasped at the movement and held it tight. I felt water on my hand,  _ tears. _ I heard a small son coming from him,  _ he's crying. And it's your fault. _ No, I did it again. I hurt him. Why can't I stop it, all the pain I cause and time that I waste. 

"Oh, Roman," he cried, " you said you'd taken your medicine this morning. I should've, watched you or,  _ something. _ Instead I let you hurt yourself. I am so sorry Roman." He held my hand. Closer to his heart, this time. "Kiddo, I want you to know, this wasn't your fault, ok? This is your brain being over imaginative, ok?"

I nodded and slowly fell back asleep. This time, when the ocean came, I wasn't alone. And for the first time today, I didn't feel defenseless, for I had Patton.


End file.
